Disagreements Like Iron Sharpens Marriages

Via TJC

This week we further examine Critical Marriage/Family strategies, and in particular Resolving Conflict

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭27‬:‭17‬ (‭NIV‬‬)

I think it’s true, but funny that every men’s group throws 27:17 around -discussing how we honestly and lovingly “call it straight” with one another, like some special fight night motto.  Meanwhile it’s my wife and family that sharpen me every day.  

My wife is the sharpest person I know. I’ve actually had her go with me when given job offers to see and meet the people I might  work with - as we all do take work home and that is ok. I knew I  would seek her advice for challenges and opportunities I would face and wanted her buy-in.

Yet there are many times because we are different people, growing together, we do have disappointment and disagreements. That is a good thing - it’s iron sharpening. And sometimes when one of us messes up or disappoints the other, usually me,  it can get hot. And that is totally normal in marriage. Anyone who tells me it’s all sunshine and roses is full of it. 

This week we discuss some strategies as a married couple to handle and grow out of disagreements. Healthy couples fight for resolutions, unhealthy couples fight for victory.

James 1:19 tells us to be quick to listen and slow to speak, slow to become angry.  No marriage can thrive or survive a lack of respect, a lack of positive words being spoken over each other.

We are going to unpack some guidance to handle conflict and fight fairly.  Some of us can duke it out with a bud and have a beer;  but dang we hope neighbors didn’t hear our immaturity last night— but your kid did. 

Daily Battle Order: Quick primer below 

3 Rules to Fight Fair:

1. HALT -when people are Hurt, Angry, Lonely, Tired  - be careful, and pause.  To many people say don't go to bed angry- it's actually  healthy to pause conflicts when its late and people are flooding and not engaging healthy

2. Focus on repair not establishing blame

3. Do not use definitive statements

3 Principles for Handling Conflict:

1. Remember your partner's positive qualities, continue to show appreciation, and admire your partner - even while disagreeing about issues. Make appreciation a daily habit.

2. Recognize that differences are good- don't try to change each other, maintain a sense of humor.  Marriage is a partnership where you  combine your strengths and support each other's weaknesses.

3. Look for an us solution:

   1. Don't start tough dialogs after 10PM.

   2. Focus on the issue - put the issue in front of you and not between you.

   3. Use I statements to describe feelings and avoid labeling and accusations.

   4. Take turns talking and actually listening - use a tennis ball and when that person talks they hold the ball, and you don't talk till you have the ball.

   5. Brainstorm solutions.

   6. Decide on the best solution for now and review later to make sure it is working .